Get up girl. Wishing i had died in my sleep, realising i didn’t so i’d probably lie in bed for another half, maybe an hour, wondering what the hell to do with my day because i don’t have a job and i don’t have any motivation to leave the house..
then id go to the bathroom, make sure i took my 1, no 2, no sorry 3, oh wait a minute 9 tablets.. not including the crisis medication i take, incase i cant bare the feelings anymore. If thats not the first thing i do when i wake up, thats when the impending sense of doom assends upon me, like an evil spell.
Then if my little one is not awake, ill go downstairs, make a coffee, probably decaf because normal gives me the heebies. I can sometimes handle drinking one and feeling okay, but most of the time i don’t take the chance of my heart pacing more than it normally does.
Then i’ll sit in the lounge, like a slough.. probably put Jeremy Kyle on the tele. Or i go back to bed, on goes the tele and away goes the day. This is all while my little one plays happily around me, with no idea whats going through her mummies head. and ill just sit there, thinking of the things i could do that day.. play group? visit family? plan some work? go to the park? none of these things excite or motivate me.. i feel almost dead inside, like a deep numbness.. i know i need to ‘shake it off’, ‘cheer up’ and give my little one a memorable life but i just haven’t got the energy for it.. what is she going to think of me when she grows up? mum lays in bed all day watching tele, drinking wine at night, looking sad and ranting with her friends..
Food. That insatiable appetite of mine. It’s unforgiving, the amount of food i consume and then purge. Either by throwing up or taking some laxatives. Crisps, chocolate, biscuits, cooked meals, microwave meals, cheese, ice cream.. anything and everything that takes my liking. And all for nothing because it ends up coming out one way or another. Binge eating and purging. What a life.
Then the night time comes, the worst time of all. As dusk falls the loneliness kicks in. This is when i normally feel the imminent pining for my ex boyfriend, just someone warm and kind to snuggle up to.. thats not too much to ask is it? But not my ex boyfriend, because i don’t need someone who’s not toxic, manipulative and shrewd. Trying to keep my little one far away from the arguments and raised voices. telling her mummy and daddy are only playing.. But is this not the type of male in which i am normally attracted to?
Tell me if im wrong, but are people who are more vulnerable (like myself) that attract and are attracted to the ‘wrong’ partners. Bringing them hurtling into our lives, bringing grief, gloom and heartache along the way. Or is that just me? And do we not push out all the good ones? Feeling they are ‘too nice’ and feeling sick by their gestures of kindness and goodness.. nope? just me then.
So then it comes down to the nightly routine of putting little one to bed, with a kiss on her head and wishing deeply that she will never inherit this bastard, shit of an illness, that eats away slowly at any confidence, self esteem and moral judgement i have.. I pray she doesn’t grow up to be like me, i try so hard to encourage her, to show her the right things to do, the better way of doing things.. but am i leading her down the same road that i went down..
IF i have a bottle of wine in the house ill indulge in a large glass or two, maybe three if my chest is particularly heavy and tight. Watch shitty programmes, send a few drunk texts and embarrass myself, whats changed? Sleep. Oh sweet sleep, theres the dull ache of waiting for my eyes to close so i can fall into an almost death like land, something that i crave. Sleep is good, no thoughts there, well as long as your dreams are sweet or forgettable.
Then waking up the next day to do the whole thing over again.. its a tedious horror.