Someday lets hope that this pain will be useful.. i wanted to put my own views into what Borderline Personality Disorder is and my experiences with each of the symptoms:
They say that in order to diagnose someone with BPD, they need to have at least 6 of the 9 popular criteria that come with the illness.
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
- I can’t stand it when someone leaves the room, it could even be in a doctors office.. when i moved out of my parents house 2 years ago, they decided to move to Italy to live.. i was devastated and that for me was the ultimate abandonment. I didnt want to tell them or for them to feel blamed for my deteriorating mental health.
A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes between idealization and devaluation (also known as “splitting”)
- Soooo many unstable relationships through my life, alot not even could be called a relationship. One night stands, risky sex in random place, sometimes friends of friends, friends ex boyfriends, friends of my parents.. the list goes on and it gives me a rush. I have been in a faithful relationship for almost a year now and hes manipulative, controlling and completley obsessed with me. Theres very strong feelings between us, i dont know if i can call it love because it hurts everytime im around him, waiting for an argument, a bite, something that is going to turn to anger and screaming and shouting.. ive come away to Italy with my parents to get away from him, im feeling alot more at ease now but i still miss him. But it is time to move on.
Identity disturbance: Markedly or persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
- Im going to be 27 on the 22nd of December and i have no idea who i am. I’m a mum, a sister, a daughter, a grandaughter.. but seriously what am i? i have made an impact on the world, i dont have a constant job, i work for agencies so i can pick and choose my hours and avoid any committment. Its a mess, i know it is but i wont change it.
Impulsive behavior in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
- I racked up about £19,000 worth of debt on credit cards and accounts. Alot of it was spent on illegally sold sleeping pills online, clothes, make up, hair products, food, DRINK.. it was just pissed down the drain
- SEX – before i had my little girl i could be wreckless, getting drunk, going home with strangers, leaving my friends for boys, sex in random places, one guy i had sex in his OFFICE and to this day i dont know what he looks like, his name or where the building was. That shit is scary.
- Binge eating is a bitch for me, id go into the supermarket and grab whatever the hell i wanted, no thinking about weight gain or the unhealthness of it all. Id sometimes spend £50 on junk food, knowing that i would swill it all round in my belly with some diet coke and puke it all back up again.. and i NEVER felt any satisfaction from it either. Complete waste of money, time and killing my health.
- Before i had my little girl i would drive wrecklessly, even with other people in the care. I would do it mostly to show off, show people im the big bad girl that can take anyone on, impress boys and intimidate others.. its not right and i think back to what a dickhead i was and how dangerously i was acting.. but the rush it gave me was incredible!
Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-harming behavior
- Constant. Thats all i can say. From about the age of 15 i had thought of and made plans to end my life. My first attempt to take me own life was when i was 15, it was after the boy i was with for a year had dumped me. I was beside myself, so i went to my mother cupboard where she had a packet of sleeping pills, to be honest at that time i had no idea what they were, but i took the whole packet and glugged them down with half a bottle of southern comfort.. that was the start of it all, if i write it all down we’d be here all day, but this past year ive failed to commit suicide 3 times, once hospitalised and once sectioned under the mental health act.
Emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events (e.g., intense episodic sadness, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
- Everyone gets mood swings, its normal but for people with BPD, its intense, quick firery changes in mood, ive experienced episodes of mania.. talking at 100 miles an hour about ideas and jobs i could do, then BOOM i go low, so low, i crawl into bed, put on the television and i could be there for 4 days.
Chronic feelings of emptiness
- Feeling like there is nothing and nobody to care about or cares about you. I feel worthless and pointless and thats when the suicidal thoughts set in. Feeling like youre not being seen, i cant explain it, its like you just dont exsist in this world, feeling like you are nothing and nobody.
Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
- This is mostly when im drunk, i just tend to switch to another person, im evil, hateful and nasty. I cause confrontations and physical fights if i want to, sometimes for no reason. Then wake up with regret and embarrassment, hating myself.
Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
- I would dissociate from emotions, then act on things without thinking how other people would feel or what it would do to them, i sometimes dissociate and do harmful things to myself. With food as well, i could just mindlessly eat a big mac and chips and not even notice ive done it, then go and throw it all up. The worst is ideation, i end up thinking my family and friends hate me, that im a terrible person, that nobody loves me or wants me around. Its the main reason i feel so lonely
The unfair diagnosing that goes on in healthcare, like if someone doesnt have 6 or more traits then they cant be diagnosed in some instances. That really pisses me off, like someone could be suicidal, feeling empty and drinking impulsively but they dont get a diagnoses for it, i think one of the main things mentally unwell people look for when they go to doctors, therapists, psychiatrists is a diagnoses, to be able to have that is very important to some people. I know it was important to me, because then i could look at my health and get the best help possible for myself, i mean im still not a normal functioning girl but im going to get there some day!