Sometimes i will spend a day in bed, i will stay away from my phone, i wont contact anyone, watch tv all day.. and that to me is self care. But to a lot of other people that’s isolating myself, worrying people because they can’t get hold of me or worst of all being called lazy. Okay i don’t gave a stable job, im signed up to 2 agencies that if i wanted to work i could book a shift in a second, but that only happens once a fortnight maybe? Am i a bad person for that? Is it awful that when i enter my workplace i fill up with this venomous feeling that gives me a tight chest, makes me question everyone around me and makes me wonder what am i even doing here? I’m a fake, i cant do my job, i need to go back home and hide away again..
But am i doing myself harm by hiding away? Is this so-called ‘self care’ actually helping me? Chucking on Netflix and getting stuck into a 5 day shitty binge box set of ex criminals and documentaries on food. Then there is the BINGE eating.. Jesus the amount of stuff i can eat is unreal, like where does it all go? I’ve definitely noticed my stomach growing just under my ribcage rather than the bottom of my belly, i think im stretching my stomach!! Being away with my parents helps though, i don’t tend to binge a lot when they are in the house with my because i feel like my mum is watching me like a hawk.. Going back to the subject, it HAS TO BE harmful, i mean it’s not healthy, mentally or physically, but indulging in a box of chocolate and a SHARE BAG of crisps makes you feel good, right? WRONG, its harmful. Well that’s my opinion. Not that it’ll stop me doing it.
Can anybody else with mental illness relate? Is there anybody else out there that doesn’t work and keeps themself hidden away? People always say to me ‘you have too much time on your hands, that’s why you’re depressed’ FFS, does this piss anyone else off? ‘Maybe if you get out and work you’ll feel better’.. NO ‘Julie’, i fucking hate people, so it’s not good for me OR them.
Okay so, this is something I really struggle with, ANIMALS.. Theyre so cute and fluffy and make me so happy!! I have one cat and a dwarf rabbit.. Tell me its bad that i want to go out and buy a dog? I have bought dogs in the past, my first one i brought home from uni and my mum made me sell it, second i bought and my boyfriends mum made me get rid of it!! third one was amazing i had her for about a month but my boyfriend gave me a ultimatum, i could no longer live at his house and perhaps we wouldn’t be able to be together. WTF? Like is that normal? Surely that was cruel? I don’t even know, my mind is that mashed up by the stuff he used to do and say, i cant even make my own mind up anymore.
Then there’s the thoughtless spending, make up, clothes, food, jewelry, home stuff.. The not-so-occasional £200 spend in Asda on bedding and candles that I really dont need anymore of.. But it makes me feel better right? Bit of a spending splurge, some ‘retail therapy’.. NO, especially when you can’t afford it. You end up feeling sick, anxious and stupid from what youve spent and the recklessness. The high is only temporary.
So that’s just some of my so-called ‘self care’ strategies. It’s shameful, careless and senseless. But it’s just some of the ways in which i TRY to cope with my demented mind.
Share some of yours with me.
love from me