Lying in bed, i’m small, young. I can’t remember how old i was, all i know is that i had forever friends bedding, wallpaper and matching lamps. I have a small window up against my bed with a sill, so the curtains brush my duvet. I sleep with the light on, because im petrified of the dark and the unknown that lives beneath it. I close my eyes and hope to fall off into a peaceful sleep, but it doesnt happen. I hear whispers, feel almost a brush of wind pass my face, chills down my body as i cuddle the duvet close for comfort and tighten my eyes. But the worst, THE WORST, is when i can feel a hand curl over my foot or brush through my hair. Down my spine or pulling me close around my belly. When i turn over to see a sillhouette infront of my wardrobe, the curtains twitch and a hand slides through to pull them back and reveal something truly terrible. But just before the curtains pulls back, boomf, i’m starring at my curtains and there is nothing there. Its not real, its not a hand, its all in my head and it stuns me, silences me. I don’t move or speak but inside im screaming.
This has been happening almost every night for as long as i can remember now.. i have NEVER spoken of this to anyone close to me, only a psychiatrist, for the pure fact that they would think i’m ‘nuts’.. i hate using that expression but its the label that comes to mind when i think of this occuring loss of reality. Because it is me. Losing all touch with reality, i tell myself its not real, you know its all in your head but damn it, it feels real. It doesnt make sense but to me its so so real.
So i’ve been told this is all part of my mental health, that its pyschosis, dissociation, hallucinations and delusions.. Does this make it any less frightening just because ive been told ‘its not real, its in your head’.. yeah, duh, i know its in my head, does a diagnosis encourage me to believe that its fake. NOPE. Of corse it doesnt, im still feeling it, hearing it and seeing it to this day and its probably intensified, since my mind has grown with my body and age, ive seen more things, heard more things, felt more things.
I wanted to speak out about this to show others that are going through the same thing that they are not alone, that i am here with you and we will get through this together. To show its not a made up thing, this is very real and it happens. I wanted to share this for people to understand it, try to learn about it for their family and friends sake but also for themselves. Its so important for us all to understand how mental health works and i know its not easy, i know its hard and people struggle to come to terms with it. This is why i feel its so important that people like me can gather the courage to speak out and have the strength to share how we are feeling, our journeys and what goes on in our minds.
love you all xox