So i lost my friend Joel to suicide this week and as well as mourning his loss, my brain just couldnt process that he wasnt going to come back.. I realized i had so many things i wanted to say, things to ask and conversations i wanted with him.
If i had one last chance, a minute, one question, the chance to be with you one last time.. these are the things i would say.
Joel, you were a diamond in the rough for sure. When we were together if you werent innocently poking fun at me, winding me up or play fighting with me, we were talking about our mental health, how fucking shit we were feeling, what things we were doing to get through it and telling eachother its going to be okay.
If i had you infront of me one last time, i’d tell you that youre so beautiful, inside and out. You helped me through some brutal times, things i wouldnt tell the closest people around me, you knew all that.
I’d ask you, what drove you to that moment where you felt you couldnt do it anymore. I understand your mental illness, that things were hard from you, that you struggled with addiction and had experienced trauma in your life, but what was the last thing in your mind driving you to end the pain you were in.
I would tell you that you were loved, so so much and i dont think you realised how much. Your family loved you, your friends loved you and the most annoying part of it for me is that i loved you, the times we could have been together, but we were holding back from eachother because we couldnt trust ourselves to not let all our barriers down and just be with one another. Scared that our friends would find it strange because you were my brothers best friend and we HATED that so much, neither of us wanted to hurt Nick and we spoke about numerous times. Scrolling through hundreds of our messages where we would say we loved one another and then say ‘nah not really hate you’ because we were embarrassed the other didnt feel the same. Secretly picking me up and going to the cinema, the amount of films we went to watch that we never actually watched, just talked about life, work and how fucked up we were feeling. Late night phone calls, you picking me up to go to mcdonalds, or just for us to get out. In remembering all of that, i would say to you dont go, stay with me, we dont have to be together but just stay, because i’ll try my best to succeed at being the person that helped you stay on this earth..
Suicide is a mass murderer, seaping into the minds and souls of mentally ill victims, pretending that it is a pain relief, that itll numb that empty pain inside, that itll take away all lifes problems.. this is my view on it anyway.
This is why it is so important to spread suicide awareness, for me it means checking in on a loved one or friend who has been a little quiet, going to their house with a small gift, maybe candy, dropping them a text or phonecall, let them know youre around. But in the bigger picture its about growing our knowledge of suicide prevention and what we can do to help worldwide, because trust me, just one tweet, facebook status, instagram post that shows a person that you care, whether you know them or not, could help stop someone in their tracks if they were planning on ending their life.
For info on sucicide prevention in the different countries there will be charities and organisations that can help, whether its a hotline or a drop in center, look for them and spread awareness of them, just like the UK has Mind Charity and The Samaritans, the USA has https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org a hotline and https://www.bozemanhelpcenter.org are just a few i could find on google.
If you ever feel like ending your life is your only option, PLEASE reach out, i know its hard but just a text or a phone call or even a post on social media, its not a cry for attention, its asking someone to give you a chance to live.
I love you guys, stay safe xoxox